


Until it's gone

by starxbuckys



Series: The Hunting Party [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel struggles with humanity, Dean and Cas struggle with each other, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Fangirl Sam Winchester, Fallen Angel Castiel, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Goodbye, Heaven, How Do I Tag, I'm very sorry, Light Angst, Linkin Park - Freeform, M/M, Naomi is being mean again, Or not, Supernatural - Freeform, This is so messy, and some sad, as always, could contain spoilers idk, i always delete the tags, i guess, just some destiel, kind of sad i guess, mentions of sex btw, no real plot, rebellious castiel, rip chester :(, sam is exhausted, title inspired by linkin park
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-04 07:53:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15836997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starxbuckys/pseuds/starxbuckys
Summary: Castiel struggles with the feelings he gets whenever Dean's around and Dean doesn't really help by just being Dean. Things get complicated when they find out heaven's had enough of Castiel's human weakness.





	Until it's gone

**Author's Note:**

> I've had the urge to write this for like 16732883 years so here it is and it's messy and ugly but I'm not sorry,,,  
> I finished this at 12:30+ am and I was in a rush,,, excuse my grammar pls thanks hhh

Castiel lazily tossed his legs over the edge of one of the bunker's tables and leaned back into the chair he was sitting on. He eyed his bloody angel blade, desperately trying to tell himself what he'd done had been necessary. He had been on a hunt with the Winchester brothers; a simple hunt involving witches that had turned out to have a deeper connection to the place Castiel had rebelled against years ago; heaven.

It hadn't been that much of a struggle, given the fact that Dean and Sam had been with him, yet stabbing other angels; having to listen to their high pitched screams before every last bit of life leaves their vessels; had always torn the former soldier apart, at least a bit.

He never knew what was about to come after. What if, one day, he'd get the payback for everything wrong he had done? It wasn't that Castiel was afraid to die. He had never been, to be exact. At least that was until he'd first touched Dean Winchester's soul in hell.

Ever since then, he had abandoned everything else to serve and help the brothers, even though he was certain he'd become a pain in the ass after all those years of not leaving them.

Sometimes, Castiel would feel like a giant burden to the brothers.

But then again, coming back from the dead all those times must mean something, right? Even if it was to clean up the Winchester's messes and nothing more.

To be honest, part of him still didn't care about the possibility of not being more than the one to be called for the dirty work. 

He was still an angel, just-- not so much of the Lord anymore.

Still kind of deep in thoughts, he lifted his gaze to watch Sam shift through the room. The younger Winchester had a line of worry on his face and his lips were pressed together in a firm line. His tired eyes flicked through the pages of a book he was holding. All together, Castiel noticed, he looked _pretty_ worn out.

Softly, to not startle the tired man, Castiel put down the angel blade and cleared his throat. "Sam."

Sam looked up, mind taking its time to process that someone was talking to him. "Cas, what's up?"

Castiel got up and made his way towards the tall man, squinting his eyes at Sam. "I was going to ask you. Are you okay? You seem very worried."

Sam let out a little chuckle; a fake one, Castiel noticed. _Of course._ Having to keep up with a rebellious angel and a pain in the ass brother adding to your own personal problems _and_ having to save the world didn't sound like fun after all.

"Yeah, Cas, I'm fine." He tried so hard to be convincing, but who was he to fool an angel; let alone an angel who had started to understand and comprehend human emotions?

Castiel scoffed a little. "You should rest, Sam. You have done enough today. Let me at least treat your wounds, please."

"It's fine, really." Sam closed the book and sighed deeply. "Dean left for a, I quote, 'fun night.' Honestly? I'm worried. He's seemed off lately, have you noticed?"

Castiel tilted his head at Sam's words, recalling what had happened earlier. The witch had managed to capture and torture Dean for who knows what kind of reason, and without Sam, the older Winchester probably wouldn't have made it. Castiel had seen his eyes; the beautiful green eyes had seemed so cold, so lifeless.

_So done._

Nodding slowly, Castiel lowered his head. "Yes, Sam. I have. What could be bothering him?"

"Well." Finally putting the book back where it belonged, Sam let his tired eyes rest on the angel's features and sighed, _again._

"What is it, Sam? Tell me, please." Cas looked up again, worry and curiosity sparkling in his blue eyes. "Do you think I could help?"

Sam hesitated for a few minutes, then frowned. "It shouldn't be my business to tell you, but-- I think it's _because_ of you."

"Me?" Castiel's blue eyes widened in horror. "Why? What have I done?"

Quickly, Sam held up his hands in front of his chest. "No, no, don't panic! I just think there are some feelings deep inside of him. Feelings he doesn't understand."

Castiel's face showed utter confusion and Sam groaned.

"I don't know how to explain. Don't you feel it? When you're with him?" Castiel still didn't say anything, so Sam shot him a (tired) bitchface. "Sorry, I forgot angels don't do human emotions."

A hurt expression flickered in the angel's eyes and he turned away, trying to process what Sam had said. So Dean had been acting strange because of him? A sob of guilt bubbled up his throat and he gasped quietly, holding it back.

Sam immediately regretted calling out on the angel like that and reached out, touching his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Cas, I- I should probably get rest, you're right."

"It's fine, Sam", Castiel answered, still not turning back around.

"No. No, it's not- I'm just so, so exhausted, you know? I just want Dean to be happy, but he seems to get worse every day. And you.. something's bothering you as well, right? Listen, you know you can talk to me, don't you?" Cas finally turned back, nodding quickly to make Sam shut up. "Yes, Sam, I do. I understand. You are exhausted, you should sleep. I'll wait for Dean to come back, don't you worry."

The young Winchester nodded in defeat, scratching the back of his head. "I'm sorry, Cas. Just forget this. And thanks."

Castiel nodded and watched Sam's tall figure leave towards his bedroom, then walked back to the chair he had been sitting on earlier and sat down.

That had been Sam's exhaustion talking, right?

There was no way in hell (or heaven, whatever) Castiel would have such an influence on Dean. He wasn't that much of importance.

Or was he?

Terrified, the angel clutched his chest. "How am I gonna do this?", he mumbled to himself, closing his eyes.

_Angels don't do human emotions._

If only he was right.

But deep inside, Castiel knew.

He knew he had already lost the fight against said emotions.

***

It was almost midway through the morning when Dean returned home. Castiel could already smell it; the man was still reeking of alcohol. He could barely walk down the stairs without falling.

Castiel rushed to catch the man when he almost tripped and wrapped his arms around Dean's torso, helping him walk. "Dean, have you been driving?", he asked, a concerned expression decorating his features.

Dean shot him a weird look and stumbled forward, making keeping up hard for the angel. "Of course I have, d'ya think I'd walk, huh?", he slurred absentmindedly.

Castiel furrowed his eyebrows but decided to hold back any comment on that. "You should sleep, Dean", he said instead and started pulling the drunken man towards his room.

"Noo, I am _peachy._ Almost sober. Don't need sleep, let _go._ " Dean tried to escape Castiel's grip, but the angel was stronger; obviously.

"No, Dean. Sober? - What's the term? - _My ass._ " Castiel shook his head and continued his actions.

"Is very sexy, yeah." Before he could process what Dean had said, the wasted man had already slapped his butt with a force that almost made him fall over. Instead, he just let out a _very manly_ squeak that made Dean laugh.

"Aw, shy? That's cute, very cute. You're cute, Cas, ya know?"

Gritting his teeth, Castiel opened the door to Dean's bedroom and pulled him inside. "Dean, go to sleep. You're intoxicated."

"Am not", Dean grumbled and turned to face Castiel. "Now that you're here, how about we have a little _fun_ , hm?" He grabbed the angel's trenchcoat and pulled him close, the smell of alcohol making its way up Castiel's nose.

Castiel shuddered and scrunched up his nose. "You can have fun in your dreams. Sleep, Dean. Don't make me make you."

"Make you make me?" Drunk Dean scoffed and leaned in a little closer. "You wouldn't dare, angel, would ya? C'mon, just gimme a kiss. Know you love me."

"No." Despite the sudden urge to just give in to Dean's drunken pleads, Castiel resisted and used his hands to push back the slightly taller man. Dean stumbled and fell backwards, back soon hitting the mattress of his bed. Arms and legs sprawled out, the man blinked in confusion, somewhat perplexed; before looking up again. "Pretty demanding, aren't we?"

Castiel sighed in defeat and sat down next to Dean's half limb body. "Dean, I don't know what's going on inside of your head right now, but I am pretty certain it's not you talking, it's the alcohol. You wouldn't want to do anything stupid and regret it later. Get some rest now. I will send Sam to look after you later."

Dean shook his head, sitting up again. "I don't want Sammy to come here and see me like this."

"I didn't ask to see you like this either, Dean. You have done wrong, again. You need to sleep and get over it. But you know I would never think of just leaving you like this, not in the state you are in right now." Castiel's blue eyes flickered with worry, gently touching Dean's shoulder.

The hunter frowned before setting up a slight grin, starting to take off his shoes, jacket and shirt; the angel watching him with a flustered expression. "Fine, I'll rest. But stay with me, okay? I'll never bother you again, just this once. Don't leave me here. Please."

Taken aback by Dean's words, Castiel looked away and thought about what he had said. His heart ached again, the weird and unfamiliar pain almost taking his breath. It wasn't the kind of pain he could just use his powers on to heal, no; it wasn't physical. The feelings bubbling up his chest made the angel crave for more than just a few simple words; he felt the need to feel warmth, comfort. Something he had never felt before.

Or had he? He wasn't sure, but he felt the need to give in to these feelings, the feelings that made him feel so vulnerable, so utterly _human_.

"Buddy, you there?" Dean's rough, still kind of drunken voice made Castiel snap back into reality. Noticing the hunter's bare chest being so close to him, he resisted his inner urge to reach out and touch it and nodded instead. "Yes, Dean. I will stay with you. But", nipping Dean's next comment in the bud, he went on, "on one condition. Don't do anything inappropriate."

Dean smirked and reached out, gripping the angel's trenchcoat and pulling it down in one swift motion. Castiel tensed, half confused, half terrified. "Wha-"

"Shh." The hunter put away the trenchcoat and removed Castiel's suit coat as well. "I got it, I got it. But the trenchcoat would make everything so damn uncomfortable. Come on, Cas. Trust me."

"Fine." Castiel got up and took off his shoes. Before sitting back down, he took all the discarded clothes and folded them kind of neatly; making the sleepy Dean groan.

"Stop that and come here, Cinderella."

"I am not a fairy tale character, Dean", Castiel responded seriously and turned back around. He almost _choked_ at the sight.

Dean had taken off his pants as well, leaving him in boxers with his messy hair, dark eyes and heated face; staring back at Castiel like he couldn't wait for a one-night stand to return to bed. Castiel swallowed.

_Well, shit._

His heart raced when he slowly made his way back, carefully sitting down next to Dean again. "Do you need anything else, Dean?"

Dean shifted around in his bed, almost kicking off the covers when he rolled over to grab Castiel by the collar of his shirt, pulling him down next to him. "Hm, _you_ , maybe?"

"But I am here, Dean", Castiel stated with a small sigh. They were too close.

"Not like that, dumbass." Dean brought up his hand to caress the angel's face, fingertips tickling the beard stubbles on his jaw. "Touching, friction, sweat and moaning-"

"Dean, we agreed on no inappropriate things", Castiel said sternly, grabbing Dean's hand to stop it from touching him.

The hunter just chuckled. "Did we? I never said yes, did I?"

"Dean, you are intoxicated."

"No, I'm just a little drunk. I can still think and besides, drunk people are said to say the truth, right?", Dean contradicted the angel and twisted his hand, finally pressing down Castiel's hand next to his head.

Castiel whined.

He was _so_ fucked.

_In the truest sense of the word._

***

Sam stepped into the kitchen of the bunker, almost choking on his smoothie when he spotted Castiel sitting next to the counter.

The angel's hair was messy, the skin of his throat and beneath his collarbones full of purple marks. His lips were swollen and he wasn't wearing his trenchcoat. Even though angels weren't supposed to sleep, he looked tired.

"Dude, what- _who_ happened to you?" Sam rushed over and leaned down to marvel at the state the not so lordly being in front of him was in.

Castiel tilted his head in the usual Castiel-ish way. Given the circumstances, he looked even more confused. "Your brother", he answered shortly.

Sam snorted his smoothie up his nose. "Sorry, _what?_ "

"Yes." Castiel frowned. "He was very- what do you say?- drunk."

Trying to remove the smoothie from his upper lip, Sam tried to get ahold of all the thoughts and questions spinning around in his head. Finally feeling like having found the right words, he put down his smoothie. "So he was drunk and you had- sex?"

"I suppose the state of being intoxicated makes humans like Dean feel the need to mate", Castiel concurred, doing his best to sound like he didn't care that much; like it was simple as that.

Truth was, his head was spinning. Dean hadn't been all too gentle with him, that was for sure. But he hadn't seemed too used to his own behavior either, almost like in the end, part of him was scared of scaring the angel away forever. Adding to that, Castiel hadn't given him a clear _stop._ He had given in to Dean, much to his angelic part's displeasure.

"What the hell?", the younger Winchester sitting next to him in the present mumbled, looking ready to fight his brother for his actions. "I suppose you're hella uncomfortable now, huh?"

Castiel blinked a few times and took his time to answer. What was he going to say anyway?

_To be honest, I feel good, now that I finally got what I wanted. Your brother's body is as nice as I pictured, by the way._

"No", he simply said. "I'm not that weak, Sam. I could have said no and ended it, right? Truth to be told... I don't know what has been wrong with me lately, but most of me doesn't feel uncomfortable at all." He looked down his own body and buttoned up the rest of his shirt.

"What do you mean?" Sam's tiredness seemed blown off when he leaned a little closer again. "Are you saying you actually wanted it to happen?"

"You told me I could talk to you if there was something, anything bothering me, didn't you?"

Sam nodded. "Of course, Cas. Tell me."

Castiel inhaled deeply before letting go again, breathing out a long sigh. "I used to be an angel of the Lord. A soldier, a real angel. But when I first touched your brother's soul, something changed. I admit I've done wrong more than enough and I'm not proud of it. I wanted to go back to what I used to be for millennia. But with the two of you accompanying me, it was impossible. So I became what I am now; a fallen angel serving two men. Don't misunderstand my words, I feel honoured to be by your side. But recently, I have felt the potent effects of being so close to you. I have started to develop emotions, Sam. The only thing keeping me from turning human is my grace."

He stopped talking once he saw the expression on Sam's face, realizing the man needed his time to keep up with his words. "I apologize for talking too much."

Sam shook his head, almost rapidly, and picked up his smoothie again. "Don't. It's fine, go on."

"Fine. Whenever I am with your brother, my body reacts in ways I can't control. My heart starts aching and I can't heal it. My powers don't work. I have trouble holding back whenever he comes close. These feelings cause my lack of resistance. I am aware Dean will most certainly stop looking at me now, but at least I was there when he needed me. Like I have always been. Like I will always be, as long as nobody decides to interfere." Castiel brought a hand up to his hair, unconsciously trying to fix his messy hair.

"I don't want to question what the emotions mean, but I just wanted to let you know."

Taking his time to think about what the angel had said, Sam sipped his smoothie in a kind of noisy way.

Castiel got up, smoothing his pants and shirt. "I should probably leave for a short amount of time."

"No, no." Sam got up as well, subconsciously blocking the angel's way, just in case. "Look, Cas. I believe it's hard to deal with these emotions, but we can help you. What you described is simple."

"It is?" Tilting his head yet again, Castiel narrowed his eyes at the hunter. Simple wasn't the word he would use to describe the situation he was in, but Sam was human after all. Maybe he would understand his state better than he could himself.

"Yeah. It's called being in love", Sam answered, eyes expressing as much honesty as possible. He put down the empty cup and pulled a worried face when he saw Castiel's mouth fall agape, obviously terrified by the words he had just heard. "It can be hard, even for humans, let alone celestial beings that shouldn't even experience it-"

"It should be _impossible_!", Castiel interrupted, hands coming to run through his hair more than once. "What have I done..?", he mumbled and Sam stared at him helplessly, not sure about what to say.

"This isn't your fault, Cas", he tried to be reassuring. "You used to be human once, maybe that's what made you prone to our emotions-?"

"That doesn't change anything, Sam." Castiel sat back down, defeated. "I don't know about any way of dealing with humanity regarding myself. Naomi was right, I have fallen in every way imaginable."

"Would you rather be a cold soldier who doesn't even want to understand the environment he's walking on? Would you rather want to look at us, at _Dean_ , and smite him because he's a rebellious human?", Sam asked sternly.

Castiel remained silent.

"I know you, Cas. You are the strongest out of all angels. Because you've experienced so much. And yet you're still kicking." The hunter nodded slightly at his own words, long hair falling into his face with every motion.

Castiel's eyes showed a glimpse of hope when he looked up. "I am not as powerful as I used to be. And I am just an ordinary angel."

Sam scoffed. "Yeah, but stronger than every archangel I know. Not more powerful, but stronger. This isn't about power, Cas. It's about strength of character."

Even though Castiel frowned in disbelief, his eyes still sparkled a little.

That was until they caught the sound of approaching footsteps and Dean stepped into the kitchen.

Castiel looked down in horror while Sam turned around, letting out a dry chuckle. "Good morning, jerk. You look horrible."

Dean didn't say anything at first, tired eyes observing the happenings in front of him. He walked over and sat down next to Sam, arms and head slumping down on the table. "I feel fucking wasted", he grumbled.

"Yeah, you don't say", Sam answered insubordinately. "Do you even remember anything?"

Dean's head shot up, eyes immediately focusing on Castiel who did his best to stare back at him in the most neutral way. Everyone went quiet until Sam cleared his throat, drawing Dean's attention.

"I can't read your thoughts, you know."

"Keep it, Rapunzel", Dean snarled. "Yeah, I remember some stuff. Why; wanna lecture me now?"

Sam rolled his eyes and got up. "I'm gonna make you some coffee."

_"Lovely."_

Sam snorted. "Drop the attitude, pal. I'm not the one who fucked up."

"Oh yeah, because you know so much about shit like this. When was the last time you got laid again? Right, _ages ago._ " Dean growled. Sam tensed, glaring back at his brother.

"At least I didn't do shit to my best friend."

"Do you even have a best friend? Last time I checked, you were besties with some demon bitch who, yeah, _used_ you", Dean shot back and Sam's sarcasm flashed to anger, his lips pressed together in a thin line.

"I've had it up to here with you, you know that?"

"Yeah? Well, right back at you!"

"Shove your coffee up your ass", Sam hissed and turned around, stomping out of the kitchen. Before being out of sight, he looked back at Dean with a sour expression. "You know, you should probably talk."

Dean groaned when Sam was gone, head leaning back down to rest on his arms.

Castiel shifted in his seat, visibly mortified. Neither of them said a word for who knows how long, so the angel finally decided to speak up.

"I apologize, Dean."

Dean turned his head just enough to glance at the picture of misery next to him. "Sorry, what? Why's that?"

"I shouldn't have taken advantage of the state you were in", Castiel explained, calmer than he was on the inside.

Dean straightened his back and sighed. "As much as I remember, you didn't. I should be sorry, even though a simple sorry won't cut it."

Castiel made a sign of refusal. "It's fine, Dean. You were intoxicated."

"Mh." Dean looked away, remaining silent for a while.

Castiel watched his expression falter. As much as he wanted to tell Dean about what he and Sam had talked about before, he couldn't find the right words. Maybe it was better like this; not having Dean know about the struggles he was going through.

"Look, buddy." Dean looked back at him again, scooting a little closer. The angel swallowed. _Closer._

"Part of me is really sorry. I should have held back, man. But then again, I also kinda don't regret doing that to you. 'Cause, like I said, yeah, I was drunk, but I knew what I was thinking. And I meant everything I said."

"Everything?", Castiel asked cautiously, recalling the moments before. Dean had said many things, from _that's right, scream my name_ over _this is gonna cause so much regret_ to _love you, Cas._

The hunter bowed his head and broke the eye contact, hesitation spreading over his features. He had never been a fan of chick flick moment-ish movies, let alone thought about being situated in such a moment in real life.

Dean Winchester just wasn't a man of words.

"Yes", he breathed out after quite an amount of silence and looked back at the angel to make sure he was still there, somehow afraid he'd bizarrely regain his mojo and just fly away to escape the situation. "At least as much as I remember."

But he was still there; staring at him with an expression that was hard to read.

"Don't look at me like that", Dean demanded then.

Castiel's expression didn't change, he just tilted his head to the side, tongue subconsciously flicking over his semi-swollen lips to get rid of the dryness the heavy breathing had caused. "Like what?"

"Listen." Dean got up and took the final step towards Castiel, trapping him on his seat in front of the counter by putting his arms next to him on each side. "Yeah, I _do_ remember the half-assed confession I made, okay? I've struggled for a damn long time now, man. I'm not gay, hell no. Never been. But it's different with you and, if you want me to be honest, I kinda got drunk on purpose tonight. I never planned on doing what I did, but I thought I could at least man up and talk to you."

Castiel held his breath. There it was again, _the feeling._

"I'm sorry, is- is that a flirtation?", he asked geekily, making Dean laugh in the most inept way because damn, this wasn't funny at all.

_But Castiel was just too adorable._

"Probably, yeah."

"How is that funny?", Castiel asked again and Dean almost fucking _wailed_ at the innocence the angel still, after everything, had.

"It's not, it's not."

Castiel stared at him, making direct eye contact to try and read Dean's emotions. "Does that mean you're nervous?"

The hunter groaned. He would never just admit the emotions bubbling through his body and mind, but in this particular moment, he could barely hold back; Castiel's dangerously attractive gaze, power, _everything_ made him want to jettison all his intentions. So he inhaled.

"Can you just fucking kiss me?"

_Castiel squealed._

"I- there's no need for profanity, Dean-", Castiel stammered, obviously more than flustered by the hunter's request, and Dean had enough. He leaned in, closing the last few inches of distance to press his lips against the angel's who almost immediately returned the kiss. It was rough, teeth clashing together, but so _desperate_ , neither of them would have had it any other way.

Dean's teeth caught Castiel's bottom lip, pulling on it before letting his lips capture the other male's mouth again.

Even though it wasn't their first time, their first _kiss_ , it felt genuinely different, more honest than before. Less rushed.

Their lips melted together like they were made for each other, both completely giving in to the need to feel one another's kiss; like an approval of their love hanging between them so desperately.

"Dean", Castiel whispered between wet passes of their mouths, eventually making Dean stop his penetrations.

"Ah, 'm sorry." Dean pulled back a little, eyes never leaving the other's flushed face. "Shit, you look gorgeous."

Castiel's eyes flickered restlessly as he stared back at Dean, trying to stop his thoughts from spinning. "Dean", he said again and brought one hand up to clutch the hunter's shirt. "I believe there is something you should be aware of."

"Tell me", Dean commanded and sat back down. Noticing the fear wandering around in those beautiful, blue eyes, he took Castiel's hand and squeezed it; trying to make it seem like everything but a big deal.

Giving a soft smile at the encouragement, Castiel looked away. "I have already told Sam about this. I have never thought of the situation I am in as a- big deal? But now that you have told me about your feelings, I believe it would be fair to face it and have you know."

Dean furrowed his eyebrows, a little worry playing his features. "What's going on, Cas? What's wrong?"

"I am sure you have already noticed at least a little bit of what has been going on lately", Castiel ensured the hunter. "I believe being with you all these years has had quite an effect on me. I have changed, and I am still changing."

"Changing to what?", Dean pressed him.

Castiel resisted the sudden urge to roll his eyes, not wanting to give in to habits he had noticed other people would have; not sure when to use which kind of expression. "Human, Dean. Haven't you noticed? My grace is fading, I feel tired and I am getting weaker, both emotionally and physically. After all these years of having to have me by your side, have you not seen how weak I have become? I can barely stand up after a short fight anymore."

Dean went silent for a moment before shaking his head in refusal. "No, I haven't. You're still the angel I've always _admired_ in some way. To me, you're more than God, ya know."

Castiel squinted his eyes at Dean, memories of God; the most powerful being to him and his _brothers and sisters_ , running through his mind. "Don't say that."

The hunter scoffed. "I'm serious, dude, you know me. I'm not that faithful and honestly, most of heaven's creatures are freaking assholes, man. Could shitcan them. You're the only angel I believe in, got it?"

Castiel's lips formed a silent 'O' and he looked down, coming to terms with the nice words Dean was telling him.

"Whatever happens, Cas", Dean went on talking, "I will always choose you first, okay? I'd rather deal with human you than have you go back to heaven or something. Just don't leave."

The angel shifted his gaze and met Dean's beautiful, green eyes. "I cannot promise to always be by your side, Dean. Not physically. I never know what could possibly happen if heaven decided to track me down. But I will always watch over you, that I can promise."

"That's a start." Dean tried a small smile and hesitated for a while before giving in to the urge to ask another question. "How do you notice the change inside of you? I mean, besides wanting to sleep and stuff. Is there any situation in particular that makes you feel human?"

The blush on Castiel's cheeks seemed to grow stronger as he pulled his lower lip between his teeth, nibbling on it in a kind of nervous way. "Yes. Whenever I am with you, my heart starts aching in a way I have never experienced before. I can't use my powers to suppress this feeling. Sam let me know this is what you call-"

"-being in love, yeah", Dean finished Castiel's sentence. His eyes had widened just a little; but enough for the angel to notice his confession had an effect on the human. "That's so adorable, shit. I'm gonna cry or something."

Castiel frowned. "I don't understand, why would you-"

"Because that's fucking cute and I feel honoured to be the one making you experience this." Dean flashed a fond smile when Castiel lowered his head in embarrassment. "And hey, Cas?"

"Yes?" Castiel didn't look up until he noticed Dean had gone quiet, supposedly not knowing how to say what he had wanted to. "What is it, Dean?" 

"I don't know how to ask without making this cringy. Never really done this before", Dean complained, eyes focused on some spot on the wall behind the angel.

"I won't judge, you know."

"I _know_. Still." Dean cleared his throat, eyes moving back to Castiel's face. "Will you try and, you know.. be mine? Like, go out with me mine?"

Castiel narrowed his eyes, visibly clueless. "What do you mean?"

Dean groaned. "Dude, I really need to teach you common speech. I'm trying to ask you to be my boyfriend here."

Castiel was sure his jaw probably looked like it was gonna touch the floor every second when he stared at the hunter with his mouth agape. "I- are you- are you sure? You don't have to rush, you know."

"Listen, man", Dean started, "first of all, don't make this even more awkward. And second, I've had this desire for _years_ now, I ain't gonna waste even more time looking at you without being able to do what's in my head."

"Oh."

_Imaginative, Castiel._

Slowly but surely, realization began to spread across the blushing angel's face and he flashed a faint smile. "If that is what you think, then yes, I would very much like to be yours."

"Awesome." Even though Dean tried to play it cool, Castiel noticed the relief sparkling in his eyes when he leaned in; hands reaching out to cup Castiel's face. "Don't tell anyone I'm going all soft on you, got it?"

Castiel nodded, chest swelling with delight as soon as Dean's lips found his again, this time slowly and gently.

Maybe, after all, taking care of Dean in delirium wasn't that bad.

"You should go and apologize to Sam."

_"Wow, didn't know you were better at ruining moments than I am."_

***

_Saving people, hunting things, the family business._

It had always been both a gift and a curse for everyone who was involved; especially the Winchesters.

They knew, every good thing in the world would come to an end sooner or later, but for them, it was always even sooner than soon, taking away everything they loved (even each other.)

Some people were to come back in the most different ways, but mostly, every memory remaining would bring pain and anguish, making survival harder and harder.

At times, if they didn't have each other at least, they would just give up.

Every spark of light they could get was like a blessing, a light at the end of the eternal, endless tunnel. A spark of warmth and comfort, worth every kind of protection.

Dean Winchester, pessimistic and broken; making peace with the thought of losing everything, in- or excluding his own life, had found it. An angel rebelling against everything and everyone to protect him, making stupid decisions and getting himself killed several times to save him; losing himself in order to stay with him.

Castiel was his light, his grace surrounding the hunter's cold and dying soul; giving it new vitality.

But there would be no light if the darkness weren't to exist. Again and again, more or less painful, they were to live this experience.

_Sooner or later, most of the time even sooner._

It was a few days after Dean and Castiel's incident. They were sitting in the Impala, cruising down a highway after another successfully solved case; shapeshifters.

Dean in the driver's seat, Sam riding shotgun and Castiel in the back, glancing at Dean's eyes through the mirror once in a while.

Dean had put on some music, Zep's _Good Times Bad Times_ causing the car to vibrate in a genuinely relaxing way.

Every now and then, Castiel would lean in to remove some blood stains from Dean's hair and neck, a little grumpy about the fact that the hunter had forbidden him to use his powers for the healing and clean-up.

"You shouldn't waste your mojo on stuff like that. I'm a warrior, I can handle a bit of pain", Dean had said and Castiel had stomped his foot like a kid, making Sam and Dean laugh.

So there he was, picking on Dean's appearance, quoting Sam, 'like a nagging wife.'

It was the first ride home they actually enjoyed, laughing, talking or keeping quiet to enjoy the music.

Dean showed Castiel all his favorite songs and the angel made sure to remember to look them up and listen to them again.

They were almost back home when Castiel spotted meteor-ish things in the air, aiming right at the Impala. "Dean, stop the car!", he yelled, panic flickering through his eyes when Dean violently jerked the wheel; the Impala stopping with screeching tires.

The atmosphere was tense, all eyes focused on the road ahead. "Cas, what the hell is that?", Dean asked hastily, eyes not leaving the happenings in front of them.

"Angels", Castiel asked, giving Sam a scared look when the younger Winchester turned around. "Why are they here?"

"I bet all pies in the world it's because of Cas", Dean growled, angrily watching the _things_ hit and explode on the road. "You stay here, Cas", he ordered and turned around to look at the angel who had huddled up in the backseat before opening the car's door, "we'll handle that."

"No!", Castiel protested and got off the car right after Sam and Dean, straightening his trenchcoat. "I will accompany you."

"Fine, but stay behind me", Dean commanded and pulled the angel blade that had been hid in his leather jacket.

The three of them waited for the angels to come closer, not being able to spot any familiar faces yet. That was until the smoke had faded and six people stepped forward; a woman with short, blonde hair leading the way.

"Naomi", Castiel said, trying hard to sound neutral.

Dean let out a shallow laugh. " _You're_ Naomi? Didn't big boss kick your angelic ass? And what's up with the hair; Perry?"

"Keep the discourtesy, Winchester", Naomi spoke up. "We're not here for you. You have someone you should have never had for that long. We are here to finally put an end to this."

"Excuse me", Dean scoffed, "I don't really understand what you're saying, I don't speak bullshit."

Another angel spoke up. "We don't want to cause any troubles. We demand the delivery of the angel Castiel, nothing more."

"Well, yeah, pass."

"I believe I'll have to tell you 'pass' is not an option." The angel bowed his head in slight disappointment. "He has been with you for more than enough. We will take him back to heaven and let him recover from all the past events."

"Ophaniel", Castiel said and pushed Dean aside, stepping in front of him. "I don't see any reason why I would have to come with you. You should go back to heaven and keep it alive. There isn't any manpower to fight at the moment. I am just fine down here."

Sam, who had been quiet before, swung the angel blade in his hand. "See? He's fine. You can leave and do your angel business again."

Naomi shook her head. "If you don't hand him over, we will take him from you. We are in need of every single angel, Castiel. It's your chance to finally be an angel again. Your sins will be forgiven. You will be allowed to lead angels again."

"I am where I belong", Castiel resisted. "I won't go back, Naomi. I have done wrong too often, but if there is anything right in all these wrongs, it is to stay here."

"No." The angel standing behind Naomi and Ophaniel cleared his throat. "You will return and become one of heaven's soldiers again. It's for your own and everyone else's good. Look at you, Castiel. Falling for the _righteous man_ , forgetting who you are? An angel turning human because of some filthy being who has caused so much trouble for the whole world, that's what you call right? You have fallen so horribly, Castiel. Remember Anna. We need to stop this."

"Baradiel", Castiel said, trying hard to keep a straight face. "I am doing what I think is right for me. I don't belong in heaven, not anymore. And I believe to know that there is only one method to change me back to what I used to be. We all know the chances of survival are very low. If you want me because you need me, I don't see any reason for why you would take that risk."

"Because we have no other choice, Castiel. And I will not argue about that anymore. You have no right to refuse." Naomi nodded her head towards Ophaniel, then Castiel.

Before any of the three men on the other side could react, Ophaniel had grabbed Castiel and put his angel blade up in front of his throat.

"Cas!", Dean yelled but was held back by one of the angels who had remained silent, Baradiel keeping Sam at bay.

"Don't you dare hurt him, you ugly sons of bitches", Dean spat, failing to struggle out of the angel's grip. "I'm gonna rip your fucking throats out."

"Oh, don't worry." Naomi smiled lightly. "Hurting him is not in our interest." She turned to look at Castiel and squared her shoulders. "I will ask you one last time. Will you let us take you back to heaven, Castiel?"

Castiel narrowed his eyes, keeping quiet for a few minutes before huffing lightly. "No."

Naomi sighed. "Well then, I guess we have no other choice." Baradiel brought up his hand, tapping Sam's forehead. The younger Winchester's eyes rolled back into his skull before he slumped down; body hitting the ground with a thud. "Sammy, no!" Dean almost managed to break free from the angel, eyes widened as he stared at Baradiel. "What did you do to him?!" "Don't worry, he's sleeping", the angel reassured in a way too calm way. "He's not the one we're interested in."

Castiel gritted his teeth in tension when Dean was dragged to his knees, flinching at the angel blade poking his throat. "Let him go. He isn't involved, Naomi."

"Oh, he is. A lot." Naomi smiled. "We will see how much human suffering it takes to change your stubborn mind, Castiel."

Castiel's eyes widened in horror when the angel blade dragged a deep cut into Dean's shoulder and collarbone; the hunter's low scream almost turning his stomach.

"Don't fucking listen to them, babe", Dean growled, holding back his sounds of surrender and Castiel's heart _broke._

He had experienced enough of human love to know they liked to call each other sweet names to show their affection. How in hell (or heaven pt. 2) was he supposed to just watch his brothers hurt the man he loved more than anyone or anything else before?

"Dean", he started quietly and was interrupted by yet another painful scream, eyes widening in sheer horror. "Don't hurt him! Stop!"

"Don't", Dean hissed, "they wanna take you from me. I'm not gonna let that happen, I don't care about the pain I'll have to go through if it's for you."

"Dean, don't do that", Castiel answered desperately, "I will find a way, but don't let them hurt you."

"Aw, you guys are having a moment." One of the angels laughed quietly before stabbing the angel blade right through Dean's biceps, visibly enjoying the pain the hunter was going through. "This is for all the trouble you've caused us, Winchester." He continued dragging the angel blade through Dean's skin, drawing pained noises from the hunter.

"Stop it!", Castiel yelled, finally breaking free from Ophaniel's grip and rushing over to push away the angel torturing Dean. The hunter fell to the ground and Castiel kneeled down next to him, hands reassuringly caressing his back and shoulders.

"Dean", he breathed, "Dean, are you okay?"

Dean let out a pained chuckle and looked up at Castiel, green eyes flickering with exhaustion. "Do I look okay? Don't go all chick flick on me now, there are still some dickbags that need a little ass kicking."

Castiel turned around, secretly hoping the angels would have just let them alone. He was met by a fist punching him, making him slide back a few meters.

"Do you really believe you could just get rid of us like this, Castiel?" Naomi walked towards her fallen brother, looking down at him. "We will get what we want either way. If it involves one or two dead Winchesters, that is on you. Make the right decision, Castiel."

Castiel sat up and glanced over to see Dean being held down by Baradiel's foot and Sam being on the ground, unconscious; before looking up at Naomi again. His heart hammered inside of him, making him feel weak and even more human than before.

Who even was he to make a demand on anybody?

A tiny, unimportant angel, fallen and betrayed; yet in everyone's focus and not allowed to find a thing called _happiness._ He had done a lot bad to the world and still, there were people who still cherished and loved him for the way he was.

People that got in danger because of who he was.

Wouldn't it be best to just surrender to ease the burden on the Winchester brothers?

Castiel bowed his head in defeat and took a few deep breaths before getting up, standing on his feet. "So be it. You win, Naomi."

While Naomi's face lit up in delight, Castiel could almost _feel_ Dean's horrified screams rip him apart.

"Cas, no! Don't give up that easily, don't let them do this to you!" Having Baradiel finally let him go, Dean got up and stumbled towards Castiel, the pain in his body suppressed by the pain in his heart. He reached out and pulled him closer, one hand slapping across the angel's face. "How can you even consider surrendering like that? How can you even consider _leaving me_ like that?! Wake up, man!"

The burning pain in his cheek made Castiel whimper and he stared at Dean, blue meeting green when their gazes locked. "Dean", he whispered, "it's going to be okay. I will find a way, okay? Don't we always find a solution?"

Dean bit his lip so hard it drew blood from the heart shaped skin. "No, Cas, we don't. This is about you. And I don't wanna take the risk here. Not when it's about losing you forever."

"Dean", Castiel whispered again but was interrupted by the hunter's rough, almost hoarse voice. "No, don't _Dean_ me, Cas. You said you wouldn't do anything stupid anymore, I trusted you and _this_ is what I get? _Really_ , Cas?"

"What's going on?" Sam, who had regained consciousness, stumbled over; protectively hiding the spot Castiel and Dean where standing in with his height. "Cas, Dean-"

"He wants to go", Dean gasped out, taking a step back to slightly press his back into Sam's chest; a quiet demand for help.

Sam's eyes widened in shock. "What? Cas, no! Listen, we'll find a way to deal with the situation, but not here and not now. Don't do this."

He could feel Dean's breath hitch, his body trembling against his chest. As much as his brother would deny his deepest emotions, Sam knew. He knew him better than anyone else in this universe, knew exactly when Dean was about to have a mental breakdown on the inside. And the signs he was showing weren't caused by the physical pain he had to go through.

He knew what had to happen to make Dean drown himself in alcohol, women and hunts; to make him forget about his own safety just to suffocate the thoughts tearing apart his insides, and _damn_ , Sam hated it.

He was sure that secretly, he was the one to be the happiest about Castiel and Dean finally setting things straight (or not). He had watched his brother struggle for his entire life and wished nothing more but for him to finally find someone to hold on; someone else than a brother.

Someone who knew and accepted his life as a hunter, someone who could keep up with them and would do everything to keep him happy and safe.

Castiel had always been right there, he had given up everything for Dean and after years of pain, suffering, blood and tears, they had finally found the opportunity to get their shit together.

It wouldn't be their life if there weren't any problems with that; if there weren't any people to try and interfere, because apparently, happiness and Winchester just didn't go well together.

But changes had to be made, right? And it was on them.

One of the angels yelled something in the distance, but they ignored him. Sam cleared his throat to get rid of the dust crawling up his lungs. "Listen, Cas. I know this situation isn't easy and I know you just want to protect us, but you wouldn't do any good if you just gave in to them now. Look at him. Look at how much pain you would cause if you left us now. If you left _him_ now."

Normally, Dean would be the first to complain about Sam exposing his feelings, but he knew there was no point in fighting it. He had told Cas about what was going on inside of him. The angel knew.

So why would he just throw it away?

He let those blue eyes rake through his thoughts, over his face and body. Cas was still keeping quiet and it almost killed the hunter, so he spoke up; again.

"If you're uncomfortable with the situation we're in, we can change that. Anything, Cas. I would do anything, got it? But don't- don't do this. _Please._ I'm fucking begging you."

Castiel looked away, the burning gazes of his brothers and sisters feeling like they were pressing him down, before looking back at Dean with a so heavily pained expression that it almost ripped out both the Winchester brother's hearts.

"I am not uncomfortable with what we have, you're supposed to know that. In fact, you made me experience true happiness. You made me feel relieved and free. I have never undergone anything like this and I'm truly grateful for-"

"Cut the crap, angel!", Dean hissed and grabbed Castiel's arms. "Yeah, blah, blah, I know. Stop pussyfooting around."

"Pussywhat-"

"I get it, Cas. The thing I don't get is; why would you throw away all this? If you're oh so happy, why would you let those bastards take you?", Dean asked, his grip on the angel's arms tightening.

"I don't want to hurt you", Castiel mumbled, looking down in a miserable attempt to cover the broken look on his face. "And with me by your side, your problems will never fade."

Dean scoffed. "I don't care. I'd rather have you, remember? Whatever it takes."

"It takes too much", Castiel replied simply.

"Did I stutter? I said I don't _fucking_ care."

"I heard you."

"Then why won't you listen?", Dean asked and loosened the grip on one of Castiel's arms to push up the angel's chin, the motion a little too harsh.

He was about to go on talking, but when his gaze met Castiel's, the words got stuck in his throat. Instead, an almost inaudible gasp escaped his heart shaped lips.

Castiel's eyes were a little puffy, exhaustion and fear flickering through them and his cheeks were wet with tears. If it wasn't right in front of him, Dean wouldn't believe his eyes. Castiel was crying.

_His angel was crying._

Sam behind them could almost listen to Dean's heart break into a million pieces.

"Cas, I didn't mean to-..", Dean began, not sure about what to say. How would he handle this situation anyway? Angels weren't supposed to cry like this. _Castiel_ wasn't supposed to cry like this.

So he just brought up both his hands and cupped his angel's face, thumbs swiping over his cheeks to wipe away the wet stains of tears. He leaned in, not caring about anyone around them or the chick-flick-ish atmosphere, and pressed a soft kiss to Castiel's forehead. It was so soft, so loving and yet full of emotions; the sadness spreading through both of their bodies in a painful way.

"I don't want you to go, Cas."

A quiet sob left the angel's lips, along with his breath hitching in an oh so human way. "I know. Dean. I know."

Dean knew, this was a battle he had lost. He had lost so many battles, so many people; so _much_ , but this was by far the most painful one.

Letting go of Castiel's face, he took a few steps back, body now fully pressed into Sam's chest.

His brother put a hand on his shoulder, wordlessly trying to comfort him.

"I don't mean to interrupt, but I believe it is time to go", Ophaniel's voice soaked through their little cloud of despair and Castiel shot one last glance at Sam and Dean before turning around, slowly making his way towards the angels.

"This isn't a goodbye", Dean said, loud enough for everyone to hear. "I will find you. And I will kill you. All of you."

"Looking forward to it, Winchester", Baradiel hummed.

Naomi grabbed Castiel's shoulder and nodded her head towards the brothers. "Until next time", she said.

One snap of her fingers and Sam and Dean found themselves seated inside the Impala; the angels no longer to be seen.

Vanished into thin air; with them gone what Dean had needed the most.

***

Sam didn't know how long they had been sitting there, staring at the empty road ahead. None of them had said a single word, but he knew; there were no words that could possibly describe what was going on.

He wanted to say something, cut the thick air full of anguish, but he didn't know how to word it.

Slowly, the younger brother turned his head to glance at his brother. The sight shot right into his soul, wrapping around his mind like chains and making it hard to breathe.

Dean looked worn out, tired, almost lifeless. His semi-short hair had fallen into his face, soaking up the thin layer of sweat on his forehead. His eyes were teary and his lips swollen from all the frustrated biting.

"Dean", Sam finally whispered, his heart skipping a pained beat when Dean turned to look at his brother.

"He's gone", Dean mumbled, one hand running through his messy hair. "And he won't come back. They will torture him. They will change him. Maybe even kill him. And I am down here and can't do nothing about it. Damn it, I never even got to tell him those damn three words."

Sam looked down. He wanted to comfort his brother. He wanted nothing more than being able to tell him everything would be just fine.

But deep, deep down, he knew he couldn't. There wasn't anything good to say about this situation.

They had been through so much. So many losses, so much pain, heartbreak and death. Still, nothing they had ever experienced was comparable to what they were going through in this moment.

_What Dean was going through._

Sure, thinking about it, Sam knew that maybe, just maybe, he could relate to it at least a little. Years ago, he had watched Jess die and couldn't do anything about it.

But this, this was different. His brother and his angel had been through a lot.

And not knowing whether he would be dead or return with little to no emotions was by far more painful for Dean.

The uncertainty would be too much for the hunter, sooner or later.

"Let's go home, Dean", Sam suggested and Dean scoffed.

"What's home without Cas?"

Sam remained silent and sighed when Dean started the engine of his beloved car. The radio started playing some music and when he listened closely, he could recognize the voice of Linkin Park's frontman singing about painful experiences.

Dean didn't turn it off.

They cruised down the highway back to the bunker, none of them saying a single word.

When the song came to its end, Dean looked up at the almost black sky, the stars sparkling like nothing had happened.

A little smile danced on Dean's lips when the single tear that had escaped his eye ran along the lines of the corner of his mouth.

"They are so damn right. You never know what you've got until it's gone."

 

\- _fin_


End file.
